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| So I finally decided to move my blog to my domain but using wordpress as my blog management system. I had to manually import every single blog post from my Xanga to wordpress. 387 blog posts from 2006-2010. The first two years were 300 posts a lone, and the 87 were the last two. It was hard importing those blogs. It took much longer than it should have because I had to take so many breaks from importing them because I would read the first sentence and I'd already know what it was about and on some posts I couldn't help but read it through. My first few blogs when I was 13 were so stupid. I was so dumb and I was asking for trouble. So I am really sorry to Alex for putting up with that 13 year old drama queen. My blogs became more mature late into age 14 and into 15. But to be honest, importing those blogs weren't as difficult as I expected. I forgot that for about 4 months I had my blog on my domain using cutenews and I reverted back to Xanga but I never transferred the blogs and those blogs were when Alex and I broke up and when Shaun came into the picture and etc. I'm glad I didn't. I was tearing enough through all the other posts, I don't think I would have made it through the break up post. I'm different this year. I'm not as clingy or as desperate or as afraid as I was last year. I'm more independent now. But that also comes with it's cons. I'm also a lot more bitchy, conceited and cocky. My pride is off the charts right now and it's all because I refuse to ever be hurt again. I know it's possible for me to change and let my guard down and be normal again, but it's a very slim chance.
But anyway, my new official blog is:
http://a.elystial.net/
http://a.elystial.net/
http://a.elystial.net/
http://a.elystial.net/
http://a.elystial.net/
I don't think I'm going back to xanga because I already took the time to import every single blog. The A in a.elystial is silent so it's still pronounced the same way my main graphic site is pronounced. (: | | |
| The one person who had the most significant influence on me throughout my entire life would be my first boyfriend. I was thirteen when we first started dating and he was fifteen. He was the sweetest and most amazing kid I’ve ever met. He always went out of his way to try and make me happy. He would write me love letters or poems to me every week, he would always sing to me, he would always call me before he went to sleep and we’d end up falling asleep together, he would always call me in the morning before we left for school to wish me a good day, he would even do ridiculous things such as skipping school early to be able to pick me up from school before I got out. He would never shower me with gifts because I always refused them, but he always showered me with love and happiness any chance he got. He would tell me I’m amazing, beautiful, and smart every single day. He was loyal and honest with me; not once has he ever lied to me. He made me feel alive, he made me feel loved, he made me feel unbelievable happy, he made me feel like I was on top of the world and like I could do absolutely anything. We shared every moment possible together; he often helped me with my homework and helped me study for all my tests and exams. He was extremely smart, and my parents adored him because he was responsible, respectable, smart, and successful and my parents felt I was extremely lucky to have such a perfect boyfriend. But like most things in life, some good things must come to an end.
Towards the end of 2008, half way through my sophomore year of high school, he was getting ready for college, sending in all his college applications when he told me he doesn’t think he can handle doing a long distance relationship when he goes off to college and that maybe this relationship would have to come to an end. As much as I had hoped to God that we would never break up, how he felt, what he wanted, and what was best for him was also in my best interest. As heartbroken as I was at the end of that year, I was also really proud of him for chasing after his dreams and living his life. Right before we said our goodbyes, he told me he loved me and believed in me. He told me he believed I can do absolutely anything I want in life and that I’ll succeed no matter what. After a few months of pondering over our last words, he made me believe in myself.
At the end of my sophomore year, when I was choosing my courses for my junior year, I decided to change my attitude, change my goals and determination and that’s when decided to take on the toughest courses my high school could offer me. I decided to go into the International Baccalaureate program with the dream of becoming a pharmacist. Throughout my entire junior year, I studied, and studied, and studied endlessly. I gave up sleep and food to study in order to excel in my school work. He believed in me, and that made me believe in myself. I wanted challenge myself and work hard to be the absolute best I could possibly be. I knew I was making my parents and friends proud of me, but the one thing I really wanted to know was if he was proud of me. I wanted him to turn around one day, take a look at me and say to me “I’m proud of you.”
He’s more than just a teenage crush, he’s the reason for everything I am now. He’s my motivation, my determination, my love, my hopes, and my dreams. I am who I am now because of him. He’s turned me into a very ambitious, determined, demanding, outspoken, responsible, respectable, and strong willed individual. I am proud of who I am, and I’m thankful to have experienced him being a part of my life. Not only has he made my teen years unbelievably amazing, he’s helped shape me for the future, a successful future.
To this day, approximately two years after we said our goodbyes, I’m still more than determined to pursue the career of pharmacy, and I’m still waiting for that one day when he will turn around and look at me once again, and tell me “I’m proud of you.” | | |
| The one person that has the most significant influence on me throughout my entire life would be my best friend, Gisselle Ramos. She’s been my best friend since I was eleven years old and she was my first real friend. She wasn’t just company to hang around with for the sake of not being alone around school. She cared about how I felt, she cared enough to listen to me, she was the first person I was ever able to talk to, she didn’t abuse or use me to get what she wanted, she was a real friend to me and treated me like a real person. She’s so precious to me, I consider her as my own sister, not only that, I consider her as the light of my life because at eleven years old, I felt worthless and alone but she gave me hope. She turned my life around slowly, she made me smile, she made me happy, she made me feel loved and worthy. She was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or when I needed to tell someone about good news. She’s been there with me through every step of my life, good and bad, and never has she once yelled at me, scolded me, or criticized me. She’s always encouraged me, believed in me and trusted my judgment. She is my strength. She makes me feel invincible and that I can take on any challenge life throws at me as long as she’s still my best friend encouraging me from the side as I walk forward through life.
Going through high school was tough because we were two years apart and went to different high schools but somehow we managed to still keep in contact even during the hectic times of the year. She helped me and gave me advice as I went through high school. She was there for me when I had my first boyfriend at thirteen, and she would listen to me talk about him and cry over him even at two o’clock in the morning and not get annoyed or push me away. She still does that for me today, 4 years later. She’s helped me through all my high school dramas and all my family problems and kept me strong throughout all of it.
She’s such a strong and independent woman and she inspires me to be strong and independent too. She’s outspoken and maybe a little rebellious and I think that’s partially where I get my determination from. I admire her so much, and I believe she’s my greatest role model because even though life has thrown so many tough obstacles at her, she still manages to stay strong and never let the negatives really push her down.
At seventeen, six years after meeting Gisselle Ramos, I can’t even explain how happy and thankful I am to have her a part of my life. She’s life changing. She has literally turned my life completely around because I don’t think I would have been such a happy child without her. She is unbelievably amazing and strong and supportive and I have her to thank for the person I am today. I am proud of who I am, and I’m proud of her. Because of her, I am this ambitious, strong, demanding, outspoken, assertive, creative, intellectual, and beautiful woman who can also take on any challenge life throws at me. I will exceed at absolutely anything I do because she believed in me, and now I believe in myself that anything I want to do is possible. | | |
| I never felt so alone in such a long time. Next year, I'm walking into a new world, all alone. I was all excited to go to college, to pursue my dream, but now all of a sudden I feel my strongest motivation slipping away from me. I repeatedly force myself to remember Alex, as a motivation to get through all the crap that's thrown on me this year, but right now, I feel it slipping through my fingers. I don't know if I all of a sudden woke up from this fantasy, this lie I've been trying to force myself to believe just to keep me sane, but for the first time in years, I feel... my life is pointless; this dream, this goal, this fantasy is pointless. Why? Because I don't know if I'll be happy in the end. Watching all these love movies and reading all these books about this fairytale kind of love... it makes me sad because next year, I don't live a new life, life is taken away from me and I'll be all alone, just me and my books. What's scary is I don't know if this is what I want anymore... I've dreamed of being a Pharmacist for so long, I've always been so determined and ambitious about my future plans, but right now, I feel hallow and empty in a way I haven't felt since I was a kid. Failure use to be my enemy, I refuse to accept failure, but now all of a sudden, I'm thinking, 'if I fail, oh well.' What is that? That's not who I was last week. I always fight for what I want but this week, I'm just beat. I've been fighting authorities all week, and having them all pushing me down is getting tiring. All I want to do is nothing right now. I guess I'm just exhausted. But I'm beyond terrified right now, because where did my motivation go? I need it back, I need him back. My girlfriend since we were in grammar school told me today, 'You are my rock.' At first I took it offensively, but then she explained to me, she meant I was her stabilizer. I helped her keep her in line. Well, in a sense, he was my rock. He helped me keep my eyes on the prize. But he's no longer here, and as I grow older and things start to change, and as my life gets more and more hectic, I have no one to fall back on. I have no one to keep me standing. My sister hasn't been around much either and as much as I would love to cry to her right now, how rude would it be for me to just barge into her life and be another burden to her? I don't know. I'm talking crazy. I had this beautiful, passionate and intense college essay all planned out in my head, but out of no where, my motivation, the fire in me just burnt out and I can't put those words on paper anymore.
When will my fairytale, my prince charming come? I know I sound like such a dense little girl, but what I mean is, when will I be truly happy? I say I'm happy all the time, but it's not true, I'm just content with my life. When will something worth while walk into my life again? I just need my motivation back, this is absolutely killing me right now. I want that ambition back. I want to be set and firm and know exactly what I want out of life. The past four years, I've been completely alone. Everything is a blur to me all of a sudden, it all feels fairly unreal to me now. I'm going away for college next year, and that's when I'll truly be alone, all on my own, in a different town, with no one to fall back on. Did my motivation all of a sudden die out because I found a new beautiful face that was able to brighten up my day? Maybe I'm just slightly distracted, and it'll just take a little while for me to snap out of it. I'm not sure. Everything feels so unreal to me, I don't know what I want, I don't know if I'm happy or not, I don't know who my friends are, I don't know my goals anymore, I feel so alone and isolated. I wish I could hear his voice for just a moment, and have him say something not mean, not hurtful to me, to bring back my motivation and everything I once was just last week. I wish he would come around and bring me back to life. I feel dead. It's probably because of my friends funeral today. Her mother died. Fought breast cancer for 9 years and died at the age of 42. It was intense... | | |
| Today I was filling out more college applications. When I went on collegeboard, first thing I saw was "Early action deadline - 11/01" My heart kind of sank and the rest of my body just grew cold with chills because my future is just awaiting me now. It's not just deadlines for college applications or IB work, it's the chance at happiness and a new life that's coming closer. Chance at happiness. I think the world knows how much I hate spanish but because I was forced into the IB program, I'm forced to take 4 years of spanish. Anyway, instead of actually paying attention in the class, I sit there and stare at the wall for a good 45 minutes, daydreaming about possibilities. It's all just in my head, the possibility we'll see each other again. I daydream about how it would even happen, how we'd speak again, how it'd be like if we were to see each other face to face, who would make the first move, how I would react if I saw him right at my door steps. How he would react if I was at his. It's not pretty. I see complete failure and heartbreak if I were to ever see him face to face. But I know if he were to ever for some miracle show up at my door steps, I wouldn't even ask a single thing or say anything. I would be speechless, surprised but at the same time not unexpected, and I'd just smile and just hug him for a long moment. And all I'd want to do is enjoy the moment just in case of the possibility that it won't last very long. I put so much faith and hope into the possibility that we'll meet again that I don't consider any other opportunity at happiness. As hopeful as I am, I'm also very afraid, not only because of the possibility of failure, but a new possibility. Because I'll be going to college in less than a year, I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of what happens to this dream, this hope, this love when I go to college? Life will change no matter how much a person says they'll still be the same person, college changes you in many ways. I'm afraid to give up this hope and love, but at the same time, what if this impossible hope and love is preventing me from finding an alternative happiness? By the end of summer of 2011, I'll have to decide to either give up and move on, or stay this hopeless romantic. It stops me from growing though. But at the same time, it's everything I am because if it wasn't for him, I would have no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I wouldn't value myself as much as I do now. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm at a lost. I know no matter what happens, even if I decide to give happiness another chance, my unconditional love for him will never change. I don't believe I can love again, and it'll be entirely unfair to someone else if I cannot give a relationship my all.
I don't know. I still wait and wonder what could possibly happen. I still have to hope.
This is so ironic and coincidental that Taylor Swift's new album is perfectly inline with this. Perfectly, in time, in emotions, in words.
BACK TO DECEMBER
I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life, tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier then ever.
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why.
Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December all the time.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving,
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right,
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.
All the time... | | |
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